How to Help Your Children through Separation Anxiety
July 3, 2012 
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It’s completely normal for a child to feel anxious when their parents leave them, even if it’s only for a few hours, or even a few minutes. It doesn’t matter to a child if the parents are leaving for a business trip, or even for a quick trip to the store, being outside the company of their parents can be torture for a child.
Children are reared under the protection of their mother and father, and though they can easily get used to that kind of bond, parents can’t be with them 24/7.
Separation anxiety is normal for a child to endure. However, children experience it in varying degrees. Some are easily weaned off the company of their parents, realizing their independence much sooner than their peers. But others become clingy, anxious and even panicky upon the first sign of separation.
Though separation anxiety is a natural stage of a child’s development, there are measures parents can take to ease a child out of it. Normally, children lose this anxiety as they get older and experience independence for themselves, but some children need more than just a few sessions of alone time.
Some cases of separation anxiety require professional care, but most can be dealt with a number of practices and routines to help a child cope without a parent in their presence.
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Distinguishing between Separation Anxiety and Separation Anxiety Disorder
As mentioned earlier, children experience separation anxiety in different degrees. Some children take it better than others, while some children are short of traumatized. Despite this, separation anxiety is still a very natural experience for children.
However, it is still very important to see if your child is experiencing normal or abnormal separation anxiety. CNN ran an article about separation anxiety, citing that experience is fairly common among children ages around six to ten years of age. It is described to be the overpowering fear of something happening to the child once their parents are gone.
For the child, length of time does not matter. Every second their parents are away is another second that something bad might happen to them.
Children normally have trouble expressing themselves, especially during times of discomfort. Because of this, crying, clinginess and even violent tantrums shouldn’t be misunderstood as anything else other than completely normal behaviour.
Unfortunately, some children experience separation anxiety that lingers well beyond the average age of their peers. Normal methods do not work, and unprepared parents can easily find themselves overwhelmed by their own child. This may not be normal separation anxiety but rather separation anxiety disorder; and requires more intensive measures in order to wean the child off your presence and protection.
There isn’t a clear cut litmus test if your child is either one or the other. One way is to simply try the methods of treating normal separation anxiety before graduating to a more intensive set of practices. It’s important to consider consulting a psychologist or child expert before doing the latter.
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Treating Normal Separation Anxiety in Children
If a child is exhibiting manageable symptoms of separation anxiety, there are a number of steps you can take to help ease them out of their anxiety. However, it is very important that you do not force your child into submission. Make sure to stay assertive but don’t be overly forceful. If done right, your child will learn to understand that separation is a normal part of life, and will look forward to your eventual return.
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- Make separation a part of a regular routine.
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It’s important for children to get accustomed to you leaving every now and then; whether it’s for work or errands. You can practice them, by telling them ahead of time that you will be leaving. Avoid surprising your child by leaving them at the very last minute, and at the same time if possible do not change your schedule.
. - Leave your child with others from time to time.
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Sometimes separation anxiety is aggravated when your child is only accustomed to their parents. By leaving them under the supervision of other people you trust, it opens up their social circle. Whether it’s their grandparents, your neighbours, your friends or even a babysitter, your children will soon understand that there are more people on top of their parents looking out for them.
. - Do not have long, worn-out goodbyes.
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If you’re leaving for a short period of time (to the store, or to the neighbours house), simply tell your child where you’re going, how soon you’ll be back and just leave. Do not aggravate the situation by making it more dramatic than it should be; and do not concede by having your child come with you at the bat of an eyelash.
. - Be firm about leaving.
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Not giving in to your child’s demands is easier said than done; especially when all a child wants is to be with you. Make sure to reassure your child that you will be back at the time you promise, but do not change your schedule just to comfort your child. This will only encourage them to demand more from you in the future.
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Treating Separation Anxiety Disorder in Children
Unfortunately, not all children are so easily weaned out of the company and protection of their parents. Some children require more attention and more intensive methods.
If the manifestations of separation anxiety are enough to interfere with normal, everyday activities such as school, home and social life, this may be a sign that your child is suffering from separation anxiety disorder.
These children experience a continuation or reoccurrence of intense separation anxiety during their elementary school years or beyond. If separation anxiety is excessive enough to interfere with normal activities like school and friendships, and lasts for months rather than days, it may be a sign of a larger problem: separation anxiety disorder.
It must be understood that separation anxiety disorder is not normal for children; but can easily evolve into a serious emotional problem. As indicated earlier, it may difficult to determine normal separation anxiety with separation anxiety disorder. The only key difference is the intensity in which the child experiences the anxiety itself. If left unattended, separation anxiety disorder can lead to a full-fledged anxiety disorder upon adulthood.
In order to treat separation anxiety disorder, it is still important to follow the treatment outlined for normal separation anxiety. These steps are still important building blocks towards more specific practices and methods.
But once separation anxiety disorder has been identified you can take the following steps to make sure your child’s condition does not get out of hand.
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- Consult with a child specialist or child psychologist.
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When treating any kind of disorder, it’s very important to have a specialist on hand to help give you professional advice on how to care for your child. Although there are countless textbooks and resources to help you, they can be very general in their approach. It’s still effective to have a specialist who personally knows your child’s case.
. - Inform yourself and your family on separation anxiety disorder.
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Make sure you educate yourself and the people close to your child about their condition. Sometimes it is easy to misunderstand a person’s disorder if you aren’t aware of its implications. That way, your child can expect a level of understanding from all of his or her carers, no matter who they’re with.
. - Open the lines of communication with your child.
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Although it can sometimes be difficult to communicate with children, it is very important to do so when dealing with a condition like this. Experts and textbooks are one thing, but there is no substitute for knowing what your child is going through. Allow them to be open with you regarding their feelings. Don’t immediately discount them as immature or irrational; most children have no concept of what that means to them.
. - Make sure to set boundaries and limits.
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Hearing your child out does not mean conceding to their every wish. It is still very important that you are firm with your child in a way that is both fair and understanding. Enforce the routines outlined earlier in this article in treating normal separation anxiety, and be firm about not allowing your child to take control of your life.
. - Be in control of your disposition and your attitude.
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It’s important that you show your child that there is nothing to worry about. When you need to leave your child, keep calm and talk to them about what’s going to happen. Tell them when you’ll be back and make sure to be back as you promised.
. - Reinforce your child’s good behaviour.
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Praise your child when you are reunited with them. Bring home a treat if you’d like to show them that waiting patiently for you is to be rewarded. Do not spoil your child with disproportionate rewards though, make sure that your reward is fitting for the behaviour.
In the end, separation anxiety is still a natural part of growing up. However, parents should still play an important role in being able to allow their children to grow out of it naturally and easily. Should your child suffer from separation anxiety disorder, it is also important to give him or her the care and treatment they deserve to help them through it.
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